Layers

Every argument or conflict is like an onion--it has multiple layers. 

On the surface is the thing that the fight is supposedly “about.” Who loaded the dishwasher the wrong way? Who forgot to replace the toilet paper roll? Who did or didn’t say that thing, with that tone of voice, even though they should have known better?

Just below that is a feeling. It’s usually annoyance, or anger. It’s an emotion that you can aim directly at the person you’re arguing with, and pull the trigger.

Under that emotion is another one that’s harder to point at someone else. It might be fear, or sadness. Maybe anxiety, or shame. These are the emotions we don’t reveal--even to ourselves--because they make us vulnerable. They feel dangerous.

The root of these emotions is some unmet need. We all need to feel loved, and respected. We need to belong. We need to be understood. We need to feel joy. When our basic human needs aren’t met, we struggle.

Often, a need we can’t seem to satisfy sits on top of an old, unhealed wound. The deeper the cut, the more it gapes, and the harder it is to fill.

And at the center of the onion, underneath all those other layers, is the unfulfilled dream. It’s the part of us that wants to heal, that wants to be whole. It’s the part that was there at the start, and that we might discover if we can stand to dig that deep. 

When you have an argument, especially a bad one, or one that keeps coming back and never gets solved, try to remember the layers. It’s helpful to realize that the toilet paper roll, and the anger, are only the tough outer skin. Deep down inside, both of you have tender feelings, unmet needs, old wounds, and unrealized dreams. 

No one wants to bite into an onion when it’s fresh and raw. But if you peel and slice it carefully, and cook it gently for long enough, it may transform into something unexpectedly sweet.