Message Not Received
Adam Grant, the organizational psychologist who wrote Think Again: The Power of Knowing What You Don’t Know, draws a distinction between two kinds of conflict. “Task conflict” is a disagreement about content, approach, or decisions relating to the task at hand. “Relationship conflict” is an interpersonal struggle based on opposing beliefs, personalities, or values. The former is useful and necessary--it helps us vet ideas fully, and make better decisions. The latter tends to be caustic--it erodes trust and gets in the way of solutions.
It’s a useful concept, and it helps us distinguish between constructive disagreement and pointless squabbling. As always, though, the real world may not fall into such tidy categories. I would argue that there’s at least one other kind of conflict, and in my experience it’s at least as common as the other two. Let’s call it “communication conflict.”
I define communication conflict as a disagreement based on a failure of understanding. It can take many forms. Sometimes one person thinks they’re arguing about facts and the other thinks they’re arguing about values. Or one person might be focused on how to correct an error, while the other wants to hash out what led to it, and why. Usually, one person tries their best to send a message, and the other just hears something different.
The tricky thing about communication conflict is that it feels like a relationship conflict (with all the accompanying emotional distress) even when it doesn’t have to be. When we can’t make ourselves understood, it can feel both frustrating, and personal. Why don’t they get it? Are they even listening? Are they just being stubborn? Maybe they don’t give a crap about what I’m trying to say.
The truth is, most communication conflict is rooted in simple misunderstanding. We are all imperfect messengers and imperfect listeners. Sometimes we think we’re expressing ourselves clearly, but we’re skipping over things that seem obvious to us, even if they aren’t clear to someone else. Or maybe we hear the first part of what was said, and jump ahead, missing the crucial part that followed. Sometimes we just have a blind spot--a hole in our experience that makes it hard for us to see what someone else sees.
It’s not that these conflicts are irrelevant to relationships. The way we communicate is central to the bonds that connect us. It’s just that communication problems are inevitable. They aren’t a warning sign of incompatibility, disrespect, or disregard--they’re just a byproduct of two people having more to learn about each other. They’re information, and a chance to do a little better the next time.
