Building Trust

One of the mainstays of leadership development is training in communication skills. Often, this takes the form of bullet-pointed lists of tactics, with step-by-step instructions on how to listen actively, elicit concerns, deliver feedback and set goals. I don’t belittle that approach--it has its place, and I sometimes use it myself. But memorizing a checklist of communication tools is a little like memorizing random dance steps. When the music starts, and you’re face-to-face with a live partner, bullet points only get you so far.

Before we start filling our communication toolbox with specific tools, it’s useful to step back and look at the big picture. What’s the point of communication in the first place?

Sometimes, we communicate to give or receive information. Sometimes we do it to persuade. Sometimes we do it to form a relationship or connection. Most of the time, we’re doing all of these things at once. And for all of these goals, there’s one overriding factor that determines our success. That factor is trust.

Will someone believe and absorb the information we give them? Will they give us honest, accurate information in return? Will we be able to persuade them to see things our way? Will we build the kind of relationship with them that we hope to have? The answer to each of these questions depends on trust. It isn’t the only determinant, but it’s a crucial and essential one.

As leaders, earning trust is an indispensable part of our jobs--and one of the most difficult. The power difference between us and our teams is real, and it’s likely that they’re more aware of it than we are. Unless they feel that they are safe with us--safe from being manipulated, deceived, disregarded or shamed--all our attempts to communicate will end in frustration. 

Trust has to be built up over time. It’s slow, painstaking work, and it can be easily undone by a single thoughtless act or interaction. But there’s no alternative. If you want to be an effective leader, you have to do that work. Each interaction, regardless of your other immediate goals, must also be seen as an opportunity to build trust. 

That opportunity is binary. If you, as a leader, interact with a member of your team, it will have significance for them. It will stick in their mind. In every interaction, no matter how small, you are either building trust or losing it.

Okay, now that we’ve got the big picture, we can indulge in a few bullet points. Here are three ways to build trust during any interaction.

Caring. A lack of genuine caring is a deal-breaker. If we don’t think someone actually cares about us, it’s hard to trust them about anything. On the other hand, if we believe in their caring, we tend to give them the benefit of the doubt. Before you dive into the business at hand, pay attention to the whole person: their emotions, their needs, the context of their lives. Really put yourself into their shoes. Then, communicate from your genuine caring for them. If you don’t genuinely care for them, you have no business leading them. 

Vulnerability.  Leadership isn’t about having all the answers. It’s about asking the right questions. Admit what you don’t know. Admit when a situation is difficult for you. Admit when you’ve made a mistake. Admit when you’re having strong feelings. This doesn’t mean that you should unload your emotions inappropriately, or ask your team to take care of you. But if you don’t act like an imperfect human, you’re sending the message that your team can’t either. The more you hide, the less they’ll trust you. Then, don’t be surprised if communicating with them feels like talking to robots. 

Honesty. Tell the truth--not just about what you do know, but about what you don’t know. Be really clear about what you can and cannot do, and why. And never make promises you may not be able to keep. Remember that an offer to help (even if unsolicited) is a promise, and not delivering feels like a betrayal.

If you can bring these qualities to every interaction, much of the rest will follow. When the dancing starts, the individual steps don’t actually matter that much. Take care of your partner. Feel the music. Dance the way you really feel.