The War is Over

Sometimes, parts of us get stuck in the past, especially when we have to deal with difficult, painful experiences. The trauma of those experiences forces us to go into self-protection mode, and those incidents stick with us. That’s why, when we feel threatened or ashamed, we sometimes regress to those old, self-protective personas and apply the only strategies they know--ones that don’t serve us anymore.

When those old parts of us take control, we relive the shame we felt when we were originally traumatized. That’s intensely unpleasant, so we try to deny or ignore those sides of us, or we criticize ourselves for even having them. But whenever we get triggered, they resurface and try to protect us in the only way they know how.

The key is to stop blocking them out, and to invite them in instead. Understand why they exist and what they’re doing.

Ask your former self a few questions, and write down their answers.

Ask them about the pain they went through, way back when.

How did they try to protect themselves?

How are they still trying to protect you now?

What do they fear will happen if they don't jump in and take control?

Once you know how they're trying to protect you, you can thank them and let them know that they don’t have to do that anymore. You can protect THEM now. You’re strong enough to fend off the threats.

That means those old parts of you can finally relax a little. The part of you that desperately wants to be liked can concentrate on being the person you want to be instead. The part of you that fears being pushed around can redefine what it means to be strong. The self-critical part of you that’s trying to keep you from screwing up can put its energy into learning and improving.

These voices are old, but they aren’t set in stone. They’re just our wounded former selves, trying to protect us from being wounded again. The more we ignore or reject them, the harder they fight to save us. They are warriors, fighting and refighting battles that ended long ago. We need to bring them home, and show them how to live in peace.