Evil Twins

There’s a wonderful communication trainer and facilitator in Oakland named Newt Bailey. He sometimes takes his students through a thought experiment that goes like this:

Imagine that you are good friends with a pair of twin brothers. They live far apart from you and each other, but you always make it a point to call both of them on their birthday. One year, you forget. The next day, you get an email from one of the twins, who says that he’s really mad at you for forgetting to call. A few minutes later, you get an email from the other twin saying he noticed you didn’t call, and he was worried there might be something wrong, and he wants to make sure you’re okay.

Both of the twins had an emotional reaction to something you did, so it’s not unreasonable to say that you caused the emotions they felt. The problem is, one of them felt anger and the other felt concern, though the same action was the “cause” for both.

Our emotions are triggered by our experiences, but they are also molded by our assumptions, our biases and our conclusions. Even when something or someone outside of us causes an emotion, we still have a lot of influence over what kind of emotion we feel. As always, where there is control, there is responsibility.

Feelings are powerful, and they need to be acknowledged and processed. But feelings aren’t facts. The statement, “You made me feel this way,” is never entirely true. 

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The Case for Navel Gazing