To Wonder At
This blog is mostly about personal transitions and turning points, but relationships go through transitions, too. As two people go through life together, they can no more avoid change as a pair than they can as individuals. Every relationship has a path of its own: a beginning, a journey full of twists and turns, and eventually (at least for us mortals) an end.
In the beginning, there’s a spark. In romance, it’s physical desire, but even in friendship there’s often an initial attraction or infatuation. We can have a crush on anyone, as long as they bring a sense of excitement, newness and possibility. This phase of mutual discovery may not last long, but it’s still important. The origin story of a relationship can set the tone for everything to come, and can be a foundation on which the rest is built.
Also in the beginning, or soon after, comes a sense of ease and comfort. There is nothing as deeply satisfying for us social animals as being accepted for who we are. A relationship built on desire will collapse if it isn’t shored up quickly with trust and affection.
Two people can go a long way on attraction and friendship, but eventually there’s a pothole in every road. Maybe a couple has kids, and suddenly they’re exhausted and irritable. They find it hard to take comfort in each other’s company, and romance is out of the question. Or maybe someone gets sick, or loses their job. Any sustained, major stress can sap the attraction and affection out of a relationship. At times like those, you need a stronger glue to hold you together. That glue is admiration.
The word comes from Latin: ad+mirari--to wonder at. It’s a love that transcends personal benefit or gain. To admire someone is to love them, not because they excite or please you, but because they make the world a better place. When you feel this way about someone, you give them the benefit of the doubt. You forgive their mistakes and look past their shortcomings. You stick with them when it’s not so easy.
The researchers John and Julie Gottman have found that the point of no return for a faltering relationship is when admiration fades, and is replaced by contempt. It’s the last rafter to crack, but when it does, the whole roof caves in.
I don’t know about you, but I would have made better decisions in life about friends and lovers if I’d known this simple truth: attraction and affection start a relationship . . . but admiration makes it last.
